Wednesday, October 04, 2006

such a long time looking

finding myself
finding the teacher in me.... again
finding the mother
finding the wife
finding the sister
finding the friend
finding the daughter
finding the creator... the artist in me...
finding the priorities in life

so many things going on in my life that it's hard to know where to begin...
priorities.. where am I now?

I used to be a sailor, an illustrator, a horseback rider, a dreamer... or was I?

Was it something that other people wanted me to be and I never really got a chance to figure out who I am?? And now that I am a mother and a wife will I find out who and what I really am??? How do I express this to my family? When is the right time to be ME?

Ali E asks us to create a mini book of the 5 things that are our favorites..


what THINGS are my favorites???

Last summer when we did the summer reading program at the library I had to go ask a librarian to help me figure out what I liked. I wasn't sure. I can read Suess, Carle, or Brown like there is no tomorrow.. a text on Columbus... or some other obscure piece of history.... She led me to Patterson Women's Murder Club . They are quick reads and in between chasing a baby, changing a diaper and pushing a swing I can get a few pages in here and there... I didn't know what really was MY favorite type of story..

I do KNOW one thing for sure.. I like to walk on the beach.. even just sit and listen to the waves. I do have to make myself do this now.. as a kid- a teen- I could lie by the lake and listen to the lapping of the waves and rock myself into complete bliss... It is such my mecca.. God definitely made this for me.. but now... in my stage of life it is locked in my brain for me to listen to... I can't get there for various reasons...

I want my kids to know what it is to get up and GO some where... some where special that becomes special to THEM. For sister it is to go home.. her true home to regenerate her juices.. she seems more alive since she dipped her toes into the Adriatic! How romantic is that!

something someone told me tonight.. I didn't know this man and he for sure didn't know how carefully I was listening to him but this is so true what he said, "if you don't take the time to invest in them (meaning kids) now they will wonder what they are truly worth.... don't just get them any skates- get the ones that are good... dont just get them any bike- spend the money on the one that is really good... make the investment in them.. it will be repaid in their actions... " So true, don't you think...

someone else told me this week, "it's not the money you spend now on them. God will provide for things later. If it weren't for XYZ being in hockey we would have never taken this trip.... gone on this excursion... all as a FAMILY"

so I go back to ask myself... how do I as the mother provide what the kids need? It is the best investment I can make....

my favorites??
I'm still working on them...
it's so hard for me to come up with a list of favorites...
it's always changing

I'm always changing
always searching for something more
wanting more.. not material things for me
answers for the future...

what if I make a wrong move?
what if I should have turned left instead of right?
what if I spent one more moment with my kids??

what if I find out who I am and truly share that with my


JB said...

I think changing is good and rediscovering yourself is good. Just because you haven't done some things you truly enjoyed in the past, it doesn't mean they weren't real. Circumstances usually don't allow us to endulge in everything WE love to do and it should be that way. But, it is also good to choose something now and then to reacharge yourself like you said. It makes a person a better mother, friend, sister, etc.
What's troubling you? I hate to see you kinda sad or frazzled...

AnneMarie said...

I feel like I am missing something
like I am chasing a dream

hoping my kids get it
hoping my kids find it..

not sure if I did... you know???

I don't want my kids to miss out

Tania said...

This could well get interesting AM... embrace change and see where it takes you!

alli_scraps said...

AM change is good....we all go through changes. I am changing as I discover the part of me that isn't working full time now...redeveloping my place here.

BTW...LOVE those James Patterson Women's Murder Club them all!

alli_scraps said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
MC Mojo ;-) said...

Let's thank God for change. Change can be a very good thing. Keeps us on our toes, and keeps us always reaching for more.

I know it seems like you are in the middle of a whirlwind, but all too soon, the dust will settle and you will chase that dream.

Faith and hope is all that is required to live a successful life, friend. Faith and hope.

Tongue in Cheek Antiques said...

Thank you for coming by my blog and bringing me back to yours. Sharing how we feel and questioning our time spent is a valuable tool especially,if it helps us to grow, we all try to do our best, and when we falter and question ourselves it is a way to regain our courage to do better.